Tuesday, April 14, 2015

A Few Good Men - Gay Dating & Relationships

Hey folks, I hope you are either halfway through your semester in school, enjoying spring break, staying medicated on Claritin for your allergies or just a lucky person. I feel like I have been lucky...and somewhat unlucky lately with a topic I haven't written about in awhile, dating.

I always try to tell people that dating does not equal a relationship. A relationship is when two people communicate that they want to become exclusive and that really, is only your business. However we live in the day of social media where status is affirmed through the likes, approval or even disapproval from friends and associates of a potential partner. I can only imagine what dating was like before social media. The word must have really gotten around slowly. I think it is one reason why relationships lasted longer then, than they do now.

I hate to assume, but I always assume that any attractive guy worth the time of day will have on average at least two guys interested in them. This comes with the territory of dating and where communication becomes crucial. Not assuming honestly, will probably leave you heart broken. I believe that if no communication is made at least once a day then...you're plan B...or C. If you are lucky plan A or the only center of attention then making time for each other is fundamental if things are going to work. Dating, just like relationships are a game of give and take, compromise and letting your guard down which I will get into later in this blog. Dating should not be stressful or strenuous. It should be fun and filled with good times in getting to know one another. So what if you are really into them but they are not really into you? or vice versa? This is nothing but a recipe for disaster if this isn't communicated. I can speak from personal experience that leading someone on makes things so complicated when it shouldn't be. If there are other  potentials in the picture then that should be expressed so there will be no surprises in the long run.

So when things go wrong we acquire baggage. Understanding that we have been hurt by someone we were really into, some of us try to either rush into another "situationship" and or put up walls of protection. I have done the later. I wrote a couple of years ago about my dating situation. I have remained relatively out of the light of dating anyone seriously after a bad experience. From a few brief dates since then, I have learned that everyone is not for everybody. Whether one is out, in the closet, a socialite, a homebody, black, white or Latino - I believe chemistry trumps all. If there is no chemistry then that should be expressed and amicably move on.

This leads me to think that we must be true with ourselves. Do you really want a serious relationship? Or just someone to show off on social media? Is it seasonal or are you in for the long run? These are questions that we must be honest with ourselves before stringing someone along.

I will leave this post with a few lyrics from the song "Everybody Plays The Fool" by an old skool group, The Main Ingredient -

"Falling in love is such an easy thing to do
And there's no guarantee that the one you love
Is gonna love you"

1 comment:

Will said...

My eyes and throat have been kicking my tail. Usually I make it through the season with only a little irritation. But not this year. Anyhow, regarding the dating game, Its hard enough getting to know someone and letting them get to know you. It only complicates things when you involve your friends – or the random people you’re connected to via social media who you’ve probably never ever met in person and probably never will meet.

You’re right Keith, that it’s only the business of the two involved. I always tell people if you need some input or guidance, talk to your clergy or meet with a relationship counselor. Leave your friends out of it. They may have good intentions, but your friends may not always be objective if they give you advice.

I have thought the same thing about people, that they probably have more than one person interested in them at the same time. But I have actually thought that when you’re not interested in anyone at all, no one is out there who’s interested. But as soon as you find someone, it seems that’s when people become interested in you. I frankly think it’s hard to get to know someone when you divide your time between more than one person, especially if it’s someone that you really like. But you said a mega truth about give and take. Both people should always give precisely what they want. Sort of like modeling…..assuming you are with the right person. The biggest challenge I have seen with dating is that some people are uncomfortable with being single, and they rush into a new relationship before they figure out if it’s a good match. People joke and talk about how the best way to get over your old love is to get a new one. Well I don’t believe in that. You need time to regroup and do some introspection, and you need to be sure to take time getting to know each other. People don’t date and court each other. The internet and social media takes people away from doing that. People will look you up and research you online before they ever get to know you. And the really bad thing is, if you have a common name, like Keith Jones, they might dig up something on another person thinking that it’s you without ever communicating with you. Technology certainly has changed dating. And then with all the online profiles, that further diminishes the opportunity to communication one-on-one. People used to talk and share meaningful times getting to know one another. Much of that is now lost.

And if interest is just one-sided, people often say we can just be friends. But most of them just stop calling and texting if they’re disinterested.Why is that? Why don’t people want to nurture genuine friendships?

As for baggage, I have been hurt before, and I know others have been hurt too; so I try to remain aware of this whenever I meet someone new. I give people a little leeway if things are a little off. None of us are perfect. But most people want everyone to be perfect, flawless. Oh the irony. You ended this on the best note. We must be true to ourselves. If we could all do this, then I think we have better, stronger, and more loving relationships.